January is always cold here in Upstate, NY but this year has been exceptionally frozen. We haven't had the snow or ice that some places have had this year but we have had below average temps (and extreme windchill) most of the month. When its this cold you just don't want to do anything at all! In my drafty house all you want to do after work is sit down under a blanket and stay there. Everything seems to have fallen behind because of the chill. I haven't cleaned the house in far too long, there isn't a whole lot of food in the fridge, and I haven't even done much cooking.
This month has been a hard one. So many people I know have been struggling physically and mentally this January (myself included). I don't know what the universe has been up too but it can stop any time now! This month for me has been an endless series of trials it seems. From frozen pipes in the house, to my car going into the shop twice, a broken vacuum, little things that seem to roll themselves up in to a ball of frustration. On top of this of course comes the winter blues.
I always get some sort of seasonal depression it seems. This year hit me really hard. Along with normal everyday frustration I found myself asking some hard life questions for which I have no answers. Things like "what the heck am I really doing?", "I need a new career but what?", "Am I really a useful human being?". Questions that after a while start to really bother you deep down. You find yourself questioning everything you have ever done as you wash your hair in the shower before getting ready for another long day at a desk. Coupled with the winter blues it slammed me hard and nothing really helped for over two weeks. I didn't sleep well, didn't want to eat, and didn't want to move. I'm slowly pulling out of the funk, but many of the same questions still linger. I have no idea what I want to do for a job, but I know I need to find something new. I find myself feeling like I have no actual skills that anyone wants. I am good at many things, but not the best at anything. I have a four year degree that seems to do nothing for me, but I have no desire to go back to school. If I did I would have no idea what it would be for so it would be a waste of money. I'm trying to get out of debt, not put myself deeper. It seems like I have had so many ideas of things I have wanted to be over the years but now nothing seems possible. Like I have run out of options.
I have applied for a few jobs here and there, for one of them I made it through 3 rounds of interviews. I was so excited at the idea of a new chance, something I have never done before for a company that seemed great. After that 3rd interview communication went cold. No thank you, no "you are not what we want", just nothing at all. Emails and phone calls went unanswered. All I really wanted was someone to say yes or no, and maybe why. Alas, it was not to be. I still don't know why they decided to tell me nothing at all.
January is coming to a close soon and I find myself no closer to any answers then when then month began. I have to keep telling myself I am not a moron and that someone, somewhere out there wants a skill that I just happen to have.
Chin up right? Just keep pushing along. I have had many motivational suggestions and ideas put to me recently as well by friends who want nothing but the best for me. These are all well and good, but just jumping into the unknown is not an option. Nor is all this "positive thinking" going to help me discover what in the hell I can do with my life that will make enough money, I will enjoy, but I wont be tied to work 24/7.
I am turning 30 this May. This scares the absolute SHIT out of me.
If you have been keeping up with the blog (or reading some of the taglines on various pages) my original "big life plan" was to pay some bills, save some money, and go on the road with the Ren Faire full time. This dream has been put on indefinite hold. Finances got a little better but not really enough, bills still eat most of my income, and savings are still non-existent. So for now traveling shall remain a nice dream but nothing for the near future.
Thanks for believing in me though. I do appreciate the encouragement.